Hey there, brother. What’s happening? I see...yes, I'm a fan of graham crackers, as well. I might not like them as much as YOU seem to, but they are awesome, indeed. Ok, not to be rude, but enough with the small talk - let’s get down to brass tacks. What's that? Yeah, I don't totally understand that term either, but essentially what I mean to say is lets get down to business. Over the past few months I’ve signed about six “incident reports”, each one detailing a situation wherein my son, your colleague, was the victim of a biting attack. Yeah, I know. Seems excessive, right? I was shocked, too. Honestly, I blew off the first couple of them, thinking, “Hey, it’s probably just a fluke. You guys are so little. These things happen.” But after the fourth one, I got concerned. Now that I’ve signed the sixth one, I’m just sort of angry about it, to be honest. Maybe more scared than angry? No, I'm pretty perturbed. We need to get to the bottom of this.
As you may or may not know, at your school, when something happens to one of the students, their parents receive an “incident report”. This report will detail what went down so that we know what’s up. As parents, we like to know EVERYTHING (NOTE: This trait will become more and more annoying to you as you grow older and we're wanting to know who your friends are, what their parents are like, are those fireworks in the trunk of your car, do you call that garbage you're listening to music, etc. We meddle. It's our way.). The incident reports our son used to receive would say things like, “Your son fell down and bumped his head. Ice was applied to the injury. Three minutes later, he was shoving toy dinosaurs in his mouth and acting like nothing happened. Please sign”. I can live with those. My son tends to lead with his head when it comes to anything and everything, so he already has some nice character scars. I’m never surprised when there’s a self-inflicted injury to report.
But this biting thing? Bush league, dude. We gotta fix this.
You know, it’s not like your name was on the report or whatever. Nobody rats you out at school. That wouldn’t be appropriate, and I agree with the protocol. I had to do my own investigative work. First, I noticed that the teeth imprints were almost identical in each case. During my interviews with witnesses and faculty, I uncovered the fact that we were dealing with a lone bite man (Man? That’s right. Your gender was disclosed, albeit via a sly line of questioning by this investigator). The "biter in the grassy knoll" theory was immediately discarded and the process of elimination began. I won’t divulge the rest of my methods on how I cracked the case, so we’ll just put it like Officer McNulty did on The Wire - it was “Police work.” No further questions need to be asked. However, I will remind you that the door to your classroom is made of glass.
Ok, so, I found this interesting. Are you sitting down? According to your teacher, you bit my son EXCLUSIVELY. No one else is targeted, just my dude. Wow. What’s with that? Is this about a girl? Is my dude antagonizing you? I know he likes to start stuff; he’s always stealing his brother’s toys and running away with them, then throwing them in the toilet and whatnot. He is a bit of a rabble rouser, I know. But might I suggest a harsh word or two? Maybe just rat him out to the teacher if he’s getting on your nerves? I know you don’t have full use of your words yet, so if he steals a toy or tries to mess you about, just start bawling and rolling around on the floor (not that I advocate the cry baby routine, but it’s better than the Cujo routine, ya know?). Snitch on him. The teachers will be on your side in no time and you’ll get your way. Trust me on this. Hey, I’m even cool if you guys need to wrestle – just do it on a padded mat away from sharp corners, avoid the low blows and kidney punches, and NO BITING! (Now…ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...let’s get REAAADY TOOOO RUMMMMMMBLE!! DING DING DING!). No need to bring the chomps into an already messy situation. Ask Tyson.
To better grasp this situation, I read up on the biting phenomenon. Turned to ye ‘ole World Wide Web. And, the more I read, the more I understand that this is completely “normal toddler behavior”. Hey, my kids have been guilty of a nip or two. My eldest son chomped on his mom’s shoulder during a temper tantrum last night. Everyone was sad about it, trust me, including him. So, I understand that you’re not some mini-Hannibal Lecter. I’m just saying you’ve a got a chronic case of "the bites" and you need to curb it, my man.
Look, I suppose we’re cool. You’re only 18 months old. You could grow up to be, I don’t know, the drummer in my favorite band, or my state Senator, or even my son-in-law (if we ever have that daughter my wife’s been dreaming about – evidently the clothes are WAY WAY cuter). I know that you’re not going to grow up to be some random dude in a trench coat who runs around the streets of Chicago biting folks at night. You are going to get over this. I have faith in you. You're a good boy and, for the most part, my son seems to really enjoy your company. Look, I know this is all way over your head. I know, I know. At the end of the day, this is all just for me. I don't expect you to sit down and read this. You're a busy man.
At any rate, if you do have a free moment and are looking to better yourself, here’s a nice article for you and your parents to read:
http://pediatrics.about.com/od/weeklyquestion/a/1106_biting.htm
Best of luck curbing the habit. Get some rest, and we’ll see you soon. I’m rooting for ya, kido.
No comments:
Post a Comment